Piece of Shit

Fartin' Facts

Via: Online Schools

How To Poop At Work, Yo!

Survival Guide for taking a dump at work


ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Pick Up My Poo!

i pity the poo!

you can purchase these awesome prints or button and other fun things here.

Aren't they just perfect??

By her log, she seems healthy.

Shit Monday

Te(rd)tris

Payback is a Steaming Pile of a Bitch!

This is so exciting!  I've waited for the glorious day when a normal girl like me could gift a steaming bag of fresh gorilla poo to anyone of my lucky lucky friends!  Oh joy!

Poopsenders sells Cow Dung, Elephant Crap, and my own personal favorite...Gorilla Poop!  You can get a quart of shit, or if you really care for the giftee...get em' a gallon.  They even include a gift card that comes right in the poo:

The TOP TEN reasons to send some one a package of poop:

1. To your ex-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend.

2. Neighbors pet crapping on your lawn.

3. For your mean boss.

4. For a salesperson or mechanic that ripped you off.

5. A Last minute gift for some one who has everything.

6. A gag gift.

7. For a rich gloating friend, to knock them down a peg.

8. To the teacher that gave your son/daughter a D.

9. Some one left you negative feedback on your auction.

10. You just don't like them.

The Fabulous Story of Poop

Clean up that dog Poo, bitches!

...Poo happens and then you die.

Why Poo?

Because I like it.  Something about poo really makes me happy.  I like doing it, looking at it, laughing about it, talking about it, and grossing people out by it.  I like jokes about poo, pictures of poo and  fuck, leave me alone, poo is funny and I'm blogging about it, OK??!!

FOR THE RECORD...I'm not that gross...I don't want to like, roll around in shit or anything...I draw the line somewhere!  But if you're into that kind of thing, hit me up, we could be friends.  Send me your pictures too!  I would really like to see that.

Why poo?  I don't know...

You're talking to a girl with all intentions of getting a steaming pile of cartoon poo (complete with the wavy lines coming off of it which is meant to show how bad it stinks and a fly about to land) tattooed on my body! 

My first boyfriends name was Poo (Pooh really, but still)! 

One time, my friend Tommy bought me this book full of photos of dog poo (we hope) turned into art.  Tommy is now like, always going to be my BFF because who else know's me well enough to not only know about my (formerly) secret poo obsession, but also support it!?

 

 

 

(sprinklebrigade)

I giggle whenever I hear the word Poo....every. time.  I can't help it.

So...if you're into poo, or even if you're not.  Stay with me.  Atleast you'll get a good laugh, that is what this is all about anyway because...Poo happens and then you die.